Are you a student of your spouse?

We all need to feel loved and cherished in our marriages, but HOW we perceive and receive appreciation differs for every individual. As we learn and strive to be students of our spouse, discovering how they receive affirmation and love will strengthen our ability to care for their whole person.

Giving affirmation to our partners can look many different ways. For the introverted spouse, a written note with a thoughtful observation can show you were intentionally watching them. Or if your spouse is extraverted, praising them in public alongside friends and family can mean the world to them.

One way that we have seen couples develop and grow in this area is through learning their spouses’ primary love language.

If you’re not familiar with the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, this classic book describes the five different ways in which we feel and receive love and appreciation as individuals. Depending on your personality type, you may feel or express love differently than your partner does. Being a student of our spouse and understanding these different means of showing love will help take the guesswork out of your partner’s expectations and needs.

According to Dr. Chapman, there are five common love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Learn more about all of the various love languages by taking this free quiz or watch this brief video explaining each one here.

Here is the big point: learn to show appreciation through the way that your spouse best receives love.

Here are some examples:

For the spouse who has the love language of quality time, showing your appreciation to them by creating space in your schedule to have intentional quality time together where you can express what you have observed and how thankful you are for them – the very act of you creating quality time will allow them to feel your appreciation at a different level.

For the spouse who has the language of receiving gifts, a meaningful and thoughtful gift that expresses how much you appreciate them will go so much farther than words of affirmation. Share a gift that shows you were watching them and considering something that they would enjoy and feel loved by receiving.

Our initial position is to always give appreciation in the way that we ourselves would like to receive it. But you will have a far greater impact and communicate deeper meaning if you think about the unique way that God wired your spouse and show them appreciation in a way that would be most meaningful to them.

Together for marriage,

Mike and Holly