Life’s distractions, our own thoughts, or a desire to be heard can keep us from truly tuning in to our partner.
Early in our marriage, I vividly remember a time when I wasn’t truly listening to Holly, and it caused more hurt than I realized. One evening, she came home clearly upset after a tough interaction she had at work. As she started sharing, I half-listened while scrolling on my phone, occasionally nodding or offering a quick “that’s so tough.” I thought I was multitasking, but she saw right through it. Finally, she stopped mid-sentence and said, “Forget it—you’re not even listening.” Her words stung, but they were true. My distracted response left her feeling unheard and unimportant, and it took a heartfelt apology and a long conversation to repair the hurt. That moment taught me a valuable lesson: listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s about valuing the person behind them.
Listening is one of the simplest yet most powerful ways to show love to your spouse. Yet, it’s often one of the hardest things to do well. Life’s distractions, our own thoughts, or a desire to be heard can keep us from truly tuning in to our spouse. But learning to listen with intention and love can transform your marriage.
Here are four ways to grow in your ability to listen well:
1. Be Present
Listening starts with giving your spouse your full attention. Philippians 2:4 reminds us to “not look to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.” Put down your phone, turn off the TV, and make eye contact. Being present tells your spouse they are valued and respected.
2. Seek to Understand, Not Respond
James 1:19 says we should be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Often, we listen just long enough to form a response. But good listening involves seeking to understand your spouse’s heart, even if you don’t agree. Ask clarifying questions like, “Can you tell me more about how you feel?” It’s amazing how understanding deepens when we prioritize connection over correction.
3. Listen with Compassion
Ephesians 4:32 encourages us to “be kind and compassionate to one another.” Sometimes, your spouse doesn’t need solutions—just empathy. Offer a listening ear and gentle reassurance, even when you don’t have the answers. A simple “I’m here for you” can mean more than you realize.
4. Pray for a Listening Heart
True listening often requires a humble spirit. Ask God to help you put aside your own agenda and truly hear your spouse. Proverbs 18:13 warns against answering “before listening” because it leads to folly. Pray for wisdom to discern what your spouse needs most from you in each conversation.
Listening well is a beautiful way to reflect God’s love in your marriage. Just as God hears us when we call (Psalm 34:17), we can offer that same attentiveness to our spouse. It won’t always be easy, but with God’s help, each effort to listen brings you closer together.
I’m praying that your marriage is strengthened as you (and I!) grow in learning to listen well!
Together for marriage,
Mike and Holly
