Can you really grow in your marriage after having kids?

One of the joys of working with so many young couples is watching them grow their families. Whether through natural birth or adoption, adding a child into the home for the first time is a BIG step, and it does change your family dynamic. But it doesn’t have to end your intimacy and growth. Psalm 127:3 reminds us that “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.”

After having our first child, Elly, over 11 years ago, a mentor shared this truth with us: “With every child that is added to your family, you have to give grace to each other and fall in love over and over again with your spouse, who is inevitably going to change in this season.”

Kids do indeed change the dynamic of our marriage relationship, which is why being a lifelong student of our spouse is so important. During this season, your spouse receives a new name, “Dad or Mom,” which comes with new responsibilities, expectations, and most likely some things to work through from the past.

Here are 3 ways that we would encourage you to grow in your relationship as you add kids into the mix.

Prioritize your weekly date night.

We can’t encourage you enough as you get back into a regular rhythm of life to make sure that you prioritize your weekly date night. This is usually one of the first things to go when having a baby, but you need to have a regular rhythm of connecting with your spouse. Get help from a grandparent or find a few trusted friends or babysitters and commit to prioritize the health of your marriage by spending intentional, planned time together. Taking the time to ask each other open-ended questions to drive conversation and understanding is needed much more during this season of life. Don’t let cost or budgetary constraints prohibit you from keeping this crucial event on your calendar. Date nights don’t have to be expensive outings – walking at the park or morning coffee on the porch. Take this opportunity to get creative with your spouse and your budget.

Bring your kids along for the ride.

We see so many couples tend to isolate when having kids to “work on the family.” We are made to be in community, and it’s good for your kids to see you and your spouse practice this even when they are young. Yes, you will be tired; doing what felt so easy just a few months before will feel like an overhaul, but it is worth it. Hebrews 10:25 encourages us to “not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the day approaching.” During this season, you need community and the mutual encouragement of the body of Christ. When we started having kids, we said, “We are continuing what we have been called to do, and our kids are coming along for the ride.” Find people who support your desire to integrate your kids into your community. Look for like-minded friends who are doing life and family like you and your spouse are purposing to do.

Schedule regular times of intimacy.

We get all sorts of reactions from this one, as most couples think it will take the “romance” out of their relationship. It does the opposite, as you need an intentional plan for consistent intimacy. Spontaneity is the exception, not the rule, in sexual fulfillment. This is especially true as children enter our lives or when we have unusual demands at work or school. We encourage you to mark time for intimacy in your weekly schedule when doing your Weekly Huddle.

It’s no secret that individual men and women within marriage have different levels of desire for sexual love at different times in their lives. This is an opportune time to put 1 Corinthians 13 into practice with a love that does not “insist on its own way” but seeks to be patient and understanding of your partner. The one with fewer needs should carefully consider the need to obey God in giving themselves to their mate sexually for the spiritual health of the marriage. Factors that might be lowering the level of desire should be considered and prayerfully processed where possible. This can be everything from physical ailments to past abuse or lies from the enemy. A physician or biblical counselor can be very helpful in taking a step forward and giving yourself entirely to your partner.

Don’t allow yourself to succumb to the world’s lie that your love life takes a hit once kids come into the picture. By prioritizing your time, your ministry, and your intimacy, your marriage can become stronger and stronger as the years go on.

Together for marriage,

Mike and Holly

🌱 Ready to grow together?