What are constructive ways to apologize in a marriage?

How can we effectively reconcile with our spouse when conflict occurs?

Conflicts naturally arise in any close relationship. We’ve all experienced little (and sometimes large) tifts in our day-to-day lives. Usually, we can move pretty quickly past misunderstandings, selfish moments, and stubborn responses from our friends and colleagues. But isn’t it interesting how fast conflicts in our marriages can spiral? These disagreements can have a deep and lasting negative influence on our marital relationships. While the goal is not to avoid conflict (as it will inevitably happen with two sinners living under the same roof), we need to candidly address how we will handle conflict in our marriage when it happens.

The Benefits of Conflict

Disagreements with our spouse are not always a bad thing. Conflict can be productive and fruitful and even help us grow individually and together.

It can bring issues of blindness to the surface: “Really? That’s how you feel when I say that?”
It can be the great revealer of past hurts: “That’s why you’re so sensitive whenever that topic comes up. Thank you for sharing that.”
When we practice active listening, we can learn to understand each other: “I hear you, I see you, and I value what you have to say.”

Viewing “conflict” as all negative is to assume that our relationship and knowledge of each other are completely perfect and that there is no growing to do.

Your Attitude in Conflict

Gary Thomas wrote, “There’s one attitude that will determine whether conflict is a cure or a cancer in our relationship, however, and it’s directly related to pride.”

Proverbs 18:2 tells us, “A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.”

In his commentary on Proverbs, Derek Kidner warns us against having a closed mind and an open mouth. That’s a dangerous position for anyone, but especially for a spouse during conflict. Bruce Waltke notes how the fool’s talkativeness proceeds from:

There is cluelessness about how damaging their speech often is (10:8, 10; 14:3; 15:14).
There are being a slave to their emotions without necessary self-control (12:16; 15:2; 17:27).
There being wise in their own eyes (26:12).

The Victory in Conflict

Whenever I’m in conflict with my spouse, if I don’t want to be a fool, I have to seek understanding more than I desire to be understood or to “win.” And I have to work twice as hard to listen than to speak. My first goal should be, “How can I understand what my wife/husband is thinking/feeling/believing right now?”

It’s not enough to merely want to understand; I should “delight” in understanding his/her point of view. A “good” fight isn’t one in which I extract an apology or win over my spouse; it’s one in which I come away knowing my spouse better than I did before, understanding their motivations, and seeing the world more clearly through their eyes.

If the two of you disagree over something that matters very much to you—homeschooling versus public schooling, for instance—you should do everything you can to make your point—after you understand where your spouse is coming from.

If my goal is to defeat my spouse by “winning,” I’m acting like a fool.

Let’s be honest: walking through conflict with the intention to grow in understanding rather than make our point is one of marriage’s most difficult and selfless acts. If our marriages are normal, we’ll get plenty of opportunities to practice the posture of humility and compassion, and the result will produce amazing intimacy, understanding, grace, and deeper knowledge of each other.

Let’s go into this week with the ability to seek to understand our spouse so we can be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19).

Together for marriage,

Mike and Holly