Have you bought into the lie that sex goes downhill after the honeymoon?
We live in a culture today that wants to fool us into believing that marriage is where sex goes to die.
There’s a common myth that things go downhill after the honeymoon, especially when it comes to sex.
This is truly a lie from the evil one who has deceived so many from Godās vision of marital oneness. The enemyās motive is to twist Godās plan, which in this case means encouraging people to have as much sex as they can before marriage and as little sex as possible after marriage. Sex is one of Godās greatest gifts to us in marriage, and you can be sure that it will also be one of Satanās favorite targets to tear us down.
Many couples end up settling for mediocre or downright unsatisfying intimacy as they drift from each other over time, but this isnāt Godās vision for marriage; it doesn’t have to be your story.
š§ In today’s newsletterā¦
š„ Deep Dive: Let’s talk about sex in marriage.
ā”ļø Challenge: Cultivating conversation around your physical intimacy.
š ļø Tools: From decks of cards to conversation cards, here is what is helpful.
š Learn: Helpful resources to go through with your spouse.
š„ Deep Dive: Let’s talk about sex in marriage.
āA great sex life is something you make, not something you find.āĀ
– Gary Thomas
Intimacy in marriage encompasses more than just physical connection; it’s the journey of bringing together the emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of your relationship over time. As we explore the depths of physical intimacy, let’s reflect on the significance of knowing and being fully known by our spouse.
Sex was Godās idea
God created sex, and that tells us something about him. It’s a reminder that he’s a God who delights in our pleasure who wants us to experience joy and fulfillment in every aspect of our lives. And when we understand sex in that light, it’s truly liberating.
In Genesis, the first time we read about sex, we see that Adam’s knowing of Eve extends beyond a mere intellectual understanding; it’s a deep, soulful connection at the core of their relationship. This union is beautifully captured in Genesis 2:24, where “two become one flesh.”
In a world that often paints marriage as the place where sex fades away, it’s vital to remember the truth: God designed sex as a beautiful, intimate gift for couples to enjoy within the context of marriage. Despite the lies and misconceptions that pervade our culture, we have the opportunity to cultivate a vibrant and fulfilling sexual relationship with our spouse.
Open communication about physical intimacy
Working with many couples over the years, we have seen how sex can be a painful, complicated, or even taboo subject. Itās not an easy conversation for most couples to have, as we live in a world that is sexually broken. No matter if you grew up in a purity culture or lived more promiscuously, you are bringing a degree of sexual brokenness into your marriage that God wants to heal and redeem.
Our goal is to continue to normalize the conversation about physical intimacy in our marriages and allow the Holy Spirit to restore whatās broken.
One of the best ways to create a regular rhythm of communication around intimacy is to have these conversations while you and your spouse are on a drive or a walk. There is something about the activity of moving and talking that helps us to think and be vulnerable in what we are sharing. Here are a couple questions to get the conversation started:
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What are we currently enjoying about the physical side of our relationship?
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What are your thoughts and feelings about our sexual relationship?
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Are there any specific ways that we can improve our communication about our sexual desires?
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Are there any steps we can take to prioritize and nurture our sexual connection amidst the demands of our everyday lives?
Let’s break the silence and engage in meaningful conversations about our desires, needs, and dreams for intimacy in order to foster a deeper connection and understanding with our spouses.
Sexual intimacy is like a chain of linksĀ
Our sex lives aren’t confined to the bedroom; they’re an expression of the care and connection we cultivate throughout our daily lives. Just as a chain is composed of many links, our intimacy is built on the small, everyday moments of service and attentiveness to each other’s needs.
Author Kevin Leman speaks to this point as he says that āGood sex is an all-day affair. You can’t treat your spouse like a servant and expect them to be eager to sleep with you at night. Your spouse’s sexual responsiveness will be determined by how willingly you help out with the dishes, the kids’ homework, or that leaky faucet that drips throughout the night.ā
When we serve each other through the everyday things of life, we strengthen the bonds of intimacy in our marriage, paving the way for deeper connection in all areas of our relationship. Look for ways that you can serve your spouse, not with the motivation of getting something in return but with a servant’s heart toward them.
Bringing it home
Sexual intimacy is not just a physical act confined to the bedroom; it’s an expression of the care and connection we foster throughout our daily lives. By prioritizing open communication and intentional conversations about our desires and needs, we can strengthen the bonds of intimacy in our marriage.
Let’s reject the lies of the enemy and embrace God’s vision for marital oneness and sexual fulfillment. Together, let’s commit to nurturing intimacy in our marriage, one conversation at a time, and experiencing the joy and pleasure that God intended for us.
š¤µāāļø A Note to Husbands: Talking about physical intimacy is not always the easiest, but having a humble and patient heart allows you to be approachable when it comes to having these conversations. Ask yourself this question āAm I safe and approachable for my wife to have this conversation?ā
š°š» A Note to Wives: Wives, what would it look like for you to ask your husband: āHey, can we talk about our sex life?ā From personal experience, make sure heās not drinking something or chewing something that he could choke on. š
ā”ļøĀ Challengeā¦
We learned this from our good friends and board members at Spark Discipleship, Nick and Kelli Berardā¦Set aside time for a date night this month where each of you can discuss one aspect of your sexual intimacy that has been amazing recently, and one area where you see potential for growth.
š ļø Toolsā¦
This is a fun relationship card deck with 150 conversation starters. It is not a product by Christians, so you do have to take some of the questions with a grain of salt. š
š Learn: Read, Watch, Listen
Read: This has been one of our favorite books on intimacy as it provides a truly biblical view of sex.Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life by Gary T. Thomas and Debra K. Fileta.
Watch: This sermon from pastor Matt Chandler is incredibly helpful as we think about physical intimacy through a biblical lens.
Listen: Java with Dr. Juli Slattery is a podcast worth listening to for all things intimacy-related. In every episode, she balances sharing from a biblical worldview with help counseling and neuroscience research.
