Are you making the same mistake as thousands of other Christian couples?
Most couples make a huge mistake early in their marital journeys. They don’t focus on spiritually investing in their spouse. And because many of us have never seen this practice modeled, we don’t know where to start, and if we are honest, most of us aren’t intentional about pursuing our spouse this way.
Unlocking the ability to invest in your spouse spiritually holds the potential for transformative impact, shaping your own life and that of your spouse.
Although it may present challenges, investing in our spouses’ spiritual journey will produce abundant fruit by guiding them towards the next step in their faith.
Today, we aim to guide you on investing in your spouse’s spiritual growth. We’ll introduce a simple way to seamlessly integrate this practice into your daily routine, fostering spiritual development and deepening the bond of intimacy in your marriage.
📧 In today’s newsletter…
🔥 Deep Dive: Spiritually investing in your spouse.
⚡️ Challenge: Practical ways to encourage your spouse in following Jesus.
🛠️ Tools: Use these helpful conversational tools.
🎓 Learn: Helpful resources to go through with your spouse.
🔥 Deep Dive: Spiritually investing in your spouse.
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
― Matt Chandler, The Mingling of Souls
True marital intimacy is more than just a shared glance or a warm embrace. It’s a deep, soulful connection that spans emotional, spiritual, and physical domains. It’s a mingling of souls over time, as Matt Chandler has put it.
In the last newsletter we jumped into the way to connect with our spouse emotionally to foster deeper marital intimacy (you can read here if you missed it). Today let’s explore the landscape of how to encourage our spouse in their relationship with Jesus.
What does it look like to invest spiritually in our spouse?
It can look like many things, but our marriage mentors Gary and Ann Wooley helped us understand that it’s a simple act of faith and love by “taking the initiative to engage another person (like our spouse) in a conversation, listening for clues about their relationship with Christ, then encouraging their next steps of faith or obedience.” The verb “to encourage” literally means to “stimulate spiritually,” and that’s precisely what we aim to do as we invest in our spouse.
Taking the initiative to engage our spouse
Taking the initiative means pursuing our spouse and creating an opportunity to have an uninterrupted, fully present conversation with them. This isn’t a conversation about the monthly bills, kids’ schedules, or vacation plans; it’s one where we intentionally ask questions to understand what’s happening inside our spouses’ world. The best way to do this is to ask open-ended questions that help bring the things that are deep within them to the surface. This is where the SPARK conversations rhythm can be helpful as the practice helps us to slow down, reflect, and share the deeper parts of our hearts with thoughtful questions.
Listening for clues about their relationship with Jesus
In these conversational moments, we listen closely to understand what’s going on in our spouse’s heart, looking for signs of how God is working in their lives. These are usually more subtle observations than “splitting the red sea” moments.
Things you observe can usually be seen in different feelings or emotions being communicated as they share. Are they sad about a certain relationship, burdened by a large commitment, or angry about something that they observed? Whatever they are sharing, we are listening to the feelings and emotions that they are having and then taking the opportunity to encourage them where they are.
The Apostle Paul beautifully captures our goal to invest in our spouse spiritually. As 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
Investing in our spouse is all about uplifting and building up our spouse in the normal things of life.
Encouraging their next steps of faith or obedience
Here is a practical example of how Holly has encouraged me (Mike) in my next step of obedience. Recently, I was not in a great place, as I was discouraged and overwhelmed with the multiple plates that I had spinning in life. Feeling overwhelmed with life, I “shared,” or quite frankly, just started complaining to Holly about what was happening at work, in the family, etc. With her gentle guidance, Holly helped me to identify my primary emotion—frustration—and then lovingly prompted me toward a practical step: taking time to reflect, prioritizing, and then surrendering it to Jesus.
Her simple act of listening, discerning my needs, and offering support proved to be a much-needed time of encouragement in a challenging moment. It’s important to note that she didn’t “teach or instruct” me on what to do, but she provided a place where I could think clearly and be free to take the next step.
Holly took the time to listen attentively, not just telling me what to do but also helping me see my next step (time to reflect, think, prioritize, and surrender) and then serving me by allowing me to get out of the house to do just that.
Spiritual growth happens one decision and step at a time.
Growing spiritually happens over time through small steps and daily choices of being obedient to the teachings of Jesus. As partners, we’re here to cheer each other on and help one another move forward in our beliefs, convictions, and actions, just like Jesus taught us in John 14:21: “Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest.”
Let’s proactively engage with our spouse through intentional conversation, attentively listening to how God is at work in their life and aiding them in their next steps of faith. By making this practice a consistent part of our lives, we’ll gradually witness how each step of faith fosters deeper intimacy in our marriage.
🤵♂️ A Note to Husbands: Husbands, the way that we can lead our wives well in spiritual growth is to be the ones who primarily initiate purposeful conversation. Don’t wait for the conversation to happen. Pursue them, listen to what is going on in their relationship with Christ, and encourage them to take their next step of faith.
👰🏻 A Note to Wives: When we listen to our husbands, be careful not to just tell them what their next step of faith should be. Practice 1 Thess 5:1 by taking the time to “encourage one another and build him up in the faith.” To be an encourager means to “put courage into someone.” What a gift that will be to your husband as he takes steps of obedience to what Jesus is asking of him.
⚡️ Challenge…
Find one opportunity this week to engage your spouse in a spiritual conversation, listening for clues about their relationship with Christ. Use the time to encourage them to take their next step of faith or obedience. Take a drive without Spotify playing, grab a latte at your coffee shop, or take a longer walk as Spring is finally here.
🛠️ Tools…
Lately, one of our favorite marriage enrichment apps is ActAgape. This app allows each of you to take a quiz that helps your spouse learn about the specific ways you feel loved, valued, and respected. The app then gives reminders from your spouse’s list on how you can help them feel loved in everyday life.
Check it out here for Apple or Android.
🎓 Learn: Read, Watch, Listen
Read: Seven Ways to Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse by David Willis
Watch: Build Your Spouse Up | Earl and Oneka McClellan speak at the XO Conference
Listen: The Manner and Method of Speaking Truth with Love by Fierce Marriage
Free Date Night Ideas For Couples