“I love you, but I don’t think I actually know you anymore.”
Holly said this to me during year seven of our marriage. We weren’t fighting. We weren’t in crisis. We were just… distant. I knew her coffee order, her work schedule, her favorite Netflix shows. But her dreams? Her fears? The things that made her come alive? I’d stopped asking about as I was so focused on building a company.
Here’s the thing about marriage: To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is what we need more than anything.
Most couples settle for option one—loved but not really known. It’s safer. You can manage your image, hide your struggles, keep things pleasant on the surface. But it’s also incredibly lonely.
The deeper problem? We’re afraid that if our spouse really knew us—our insecurities, our selfish thoughts, our past mistakes—they might not love us anymore.
But here’s the gospel truth that changes everything: You are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared believe, yet at the same time you are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than you ever dared hope.
Think about what this means for your marriage. Jesus knows every ugly thought you’ve ever had, every selfish motive, every way you’ve failed—and He doesn’t just tolerate you, He delights in you. He sees who He’s making you into, and it excites Him.
What if your spouse could love you the same way? Hint: That’s actually our call as husbands and wives.
Within marriage, true love isn’t saying “I love you just as you are.” True love is saying “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that journey with you.”
This is what real intimacy looks like—not just being accepted despite your flaws, but being loved through your transformation.
Here’s your challenge this week: Share one thing with your spouse that you’ve been hesitant to reveal. Maybe it’s a dream you’re afraid to voice, a struggle you’ve been carrying alone, or simply an honest answer to “How are you really doing?”
Start with this truth: In Christ, you are already fully known and deeply loved. Your spouse gets the privilege of reflecting that same grace to you.
Marriage isn’t about finding someone who loves the version of yourself you present. It’s about finding someone who loves the person God is making you into.
We’re cheering for your courage this week,
Mike and Holly
