Connecting with your spouse emotionally

The past month, we had the incredible opportunity to speak at Marriage Night at Restoration Church and the Built To Last conference at One City Church. We love both of these local churches in Denver and their intentionality in pouring into marriages. 

They are truly reaching the next generation of marriages, as 90% of those who attended both were between 25-35 years old.

📧 In this month’s newsletter…

🔥 Deep Dive: Connecting with your spouse emotionally.
⚡️ Challenge: Learning how to SPARK conversations together.
🛠️ Tools: Use these helpful tools to help guide your communication.
🎓 Learn: Here are some helpful resources to go deeper into connecting with your spouse.

🔥 Deep Dive: Connecting with your spouse emotionally.

One can do many external deeds of love and still hold back the really precious gift, the inner self. This gift can be given only through communication.
– Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage

Let’s talk about intimacy in marriage, shall we? We all yearn for it – that deep connection that binds us together. But sometimes, knowing how to nurture it can feel like navigating a maze in the dark.

Marital intimacy is the selfless pursuit of both partners connecting emotionally, spiritually, and physically over a period of time.

Let’s zoom in on the emotional side of things. Yep, that’s right. We’re diving deep into what it means to truly connect with our spouses on an emotional level. Now, hold onto your hats because we’ve got a super helpful practice for you.

Picture this: carving out just 15 minutes a day to intentionally share with your spouse—sharing your innermost thoughts and listening to theirs. It’s a small step, but oh, the impact it can have!

It sounds easy, but how many of us really give daily undivided attention to our spouse? 

Does anyone ever reach the end of the day and find your words are gone? You’re trying to answer the question, “Honey, how was your day?” and you feel like you are struggling to say something meaningful.

We can totally relate as we lost track of how many times we have come to the end of the day without the words to describe all that has happened. This structure has helped us think thoughtfully through our day BEFORE meeting so we can have intentional conversations.

Our daily rhythm is to sit down at the kitchen table once the kids have gone to bed, make a cup of tea (decaf, of course, as we are getting older), and share our observations from SPARK.

Here is how we use SPARK as an acronym to help us share what’s happening in our inner worlds: 

S – Share – What did I learn today about life, myself, and God?

P – Purposeful – Were there any purposeful conversations & interactions? 

A – Actions – What steps did I take towards the things that are meaningful to me and my calling?

R – Realizations – Were there any lies believed, truths, or wins that happened today?
K – Know – Is there anything pressing your spouse needs to know?

This method is simple enough that it causes us to pause and reflect on our day and even frequently stirs times of thankfulness to God for where we saw Him work throughout the day. We don’t always have a point for every letter that we share, but choose 1-2 that we feel are the most important for our spouse to be aware of.

The Holy Spirit has used this little practice of connection in incredible ways to build our friendship and intimacy with each other. We can’t encourage you enough to allow Him to speak and reveal to you daily what to share with your spouse to create a deeper, intimate connection.

🤵‍♂️ A Note to Husbands: As a husband, keeping this on top of my mind throughout the day has made it easier for me to share my “inner world” with Holly. At times, I can feel like I have two emotions, happiness, and anger, so this has helped me to slow down and reflect on truly meaningful aspects of life that are happening in my day to day.

👰🏻 A Note to Wives: Wives, this can be such a valuable practice, but hard to implement. The emotional connection is where we both feel understood and supported, which creates trust, honest communication, and companionship. We all want that, right? Take the time to create the best environment where that 15-minute conversation can happen every day.

⚡️ Challenge…

The challenge for you is to have a 15-minute SPARK conversation each day over the next 30 days. Take a few minutes to go through the SPARK acronym to help you reflect on your day, and then share 1-2 thoughts with your spouse.

🛠️ Tools…

Here is a little printout that reminds you of the daily practice of how to SPARK conversations with your spouse. Put it in your Bible or a book that you’re reading!

🎓 Learn: Read, Watch, Listen

Read: The subheadline of this book alone is worth the cost: “What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?” What we love about Sacred Marriage is that spiritual growth is the main theme; marriage is simply the context – Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

Watch: Many couples are afraid of intimacy. This quick video helps us to overcome that fear – Young Couples and a Fear of Intimacy.

Listen: Dr. Josh Straub goes deeper into the 15-minute conversation idea here on this podcast – How 15 Minutes A Day Can Change Your Marriage.

On a personal note

We also got to meet one of our “mentors from a distance,” author Gary Thomas, who also spoke at the Built To Last conference. His books have had a big influence on us through the years, so what a highlight it was to meet him and Lisa and tell them about how much their ministry has meant to us.