Recently Holly and I had one of those disagreements that feels ridiculous in hindsight but felt huge in the moment.
We were planning our fall schedule—homeschool, soccer, ballet, speaking schedule, church commitments—and I wanted to say yes to taking another “opportunity.” Holly felt we were already stretched too thin.
“You always do this,” she said. “You commit us to things without asking me first.”
“And you always say no before even praying about it,” I shot back.
We were at an impasse. Both feeling unheard. Both convinced we were right.
Then Holly asked a question “What is the Holy Spirit trying to reveal to us through this disagreement?”
I sat there, annoyed, because I didn’t want to be learn something. I wanted to be right.
But her question was the right one. Because suddenly this wasn’t just about who wins the argument. It was about what God might be revealing in us—individually and together.
In James 1:2-4, we read: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Most of us don’t think of marital conflict as a “trial” that produces maturity. We think of it as a problem to solve or a battle to win.
But what if every disagreement in your marriage is an invitation to grow?
Conflict reveals our hearts. It exposes where we’re still selfish, self-protective, or self-righteous. And if we let it, conflict becomes the very tool God uses to shape us into the image of Christ.
That night, instead of trying to win, we started asking different questions:
“What is this disagreement revealing about my heart?”
“Where am I being defensive instead of humble?”
“How might the Holy Spirit be inviting me to trust Him—and trust my spouse—more deeply?”
We still didn’t immediately agree on the schedule. But something did move. We stopped seeing each other as opponents and started seeing ourselves as teammates facing a challenge together.
By the end of the conversation, we had a plan we both felt good about. But more than that, we had grown a little closer to Jesus—and to each other.
Your conflicts aren’t interruptions to your spiritual growth. They’re invitations into it.
Next time you and your spouse disagree, pause before you try to win the argument. Ask yourself: “What might God be trying to teach me through this?” Then ask your spouse the same question—and actually listen to their answer.
You might be surprised by what God reveals.
Best,
Mike and Holly
