Last month, a young couple sat in our living room, three years into marriage and already talking about whether they’d made a mistake.
“I just don’t think he’s the person I thought he was,” she said, arms crossed.
“And I can’t keep trying to be someone I’m not just to make her happy,” he replied.
As Holly and I listened, we heard ourselves from years ago. Two people who had entered marriage with a list of expectations—and were now drowning in disappointment.
They weren’t asking the wrong question about their spouse. They were asking the wrong question about marriage itself.
They thought marriage was about finding the right person (thank you Hollywood). But marriage is actually about becoming the right person.
Author Timothy Keller puts it this way: “Both men and women today see marriage not as a way of creating character and community but as a way to reach personal life goals.” When we approach marriage as a vehicle for personal fulfillment, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
But Scripture points us to something different. In Philippians 2:3-4, Paul writes: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
This isn’t natural. It’s not what our culture teaches. But it’s the foundation for a marriage that actually works.
Over the next few weeks, we walked with this couple through a shift in perspective. Instead of “What can you do for me?” they started asking “How can I serve you?” Not overnight. Not perfectly. But gradually, their marriage stopped being about getting their needs met and started being about helping each other grow closer to Jesus.
The last time we talked, she said something that stuck out: “I was so focused on whether he was the right person for me, I forgot to ask if I was becoming the right person for him.”
Your marriage wasn’t designed to make you happy. It was designed to make you holy.
And here’s the beautiful irony: When you stop demanding that your spouse complete you and start serving them as Christ served the church, you often find the intimacy and connection you were looking for all along.
This week, try this: Instead of mentally listing what your spouse isn’t doing for you, ask yourself: “How can I help my spouse know, serve, love, and resemble God more deeply this week?”
Pick one specific way. Then do it—not to get something in return, but because that’s what Christ-centered marriage looks like.
Your marriage becomes strong not when you find the perfect person, but when you both commit to being shaped by Jesus together.
Best,
Mike and HollyÂ
